I honestly didn’t think I would be alive at my age I thought I would’ve been dead by 20 so I feel so fucking lost I don’t know what to do with my life and I feel like I’m just rotting away most days I’m just so tired I want to give up and end this miserable fucking life
Holding the laptop’s power button down because it’s crashed and there’s no other way to turn it off feels so unsettling. It makes me feel like I’m holding a cushion over its face while the life slowly ebbs out of it.
one day you think: I want to die. and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book. and I want to die turns day by day into want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun, I want a cleaner kitchen, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else.I want to live.
I have OCD and with that comes quasi-hallucinations, and I grew up watching a ton of horror films so some of the worst of mine are the standard white skin/black hair demon girl type shit.
However, because a lot of them are based on horror film I have found comfort in doing things that “go against” horror films and being like “see? This could never happen.”
(It’s irrational. I know that. But shut up. This is how I cope.)
For example: I started hearing garbled whispering from beneath my table, so I started playing the muppets sound track. Because they would never play Movin’ Right Along when the protagonist is about to get attacked. That won’t happen. Disney, who owns the muppets, wouldn’t give them the rights.